Thursday, March 31, 2011

Erupter's on the Rampage Again


Erupter posted a rather violent warning outside his office today. Steer clear, people of the office. As the Space Invader, it's going to be exceptionally difficult to follow my own advice. But I think we all ought to try and avoid injury, as the Bean Counter might have a coronary if the company has to pay for somebody's medical bills.



Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I Specialize in Giving Stuff Up For Free (By the Office Bimbo)


FREE Corporate Kingdom collectors Trading Cards, everyone!! Wheee! Yaaaaa!! Woohooo!! (giggle giggle. Jiggle jiggle. Squeal!) Heehee! Shake it like a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader, girls! Flaunt what you got! Free free free!
PS you must login to facebook with a valid account to take advantage of this limited time offer.
xoxo
--The Office Bimbo

http://apps.facebook.com/webpromotions/corporatekingdom

Smooth Operator (brought to you by The Letch)

Hell-oooo ladies! (And dudes, should there happen to be any around). Has anyone seen my lush leatherbound Franklin Covey dayplanner laying around? It has all my babes phone numbers in it. Oh you haven't seen it? Well if you see it, drop by my office and let me know, tootsie. By the way, I just ran across an amazing voice mail. This dude is like, my hero. That amount of confidence, that streak of pure manliness, the insanely-driven control games--MAN! I've got to work on my game to get to this level of sensual genius.
http://www.digyourowngrave.com/dimitri-the-lovers-answering-machine-message/

Friday, March 25, 2011

Back in My Day...A memo from Mr. Obsolete


Well I'll be damned. They've got and hired another FE-male to work in this office place. I tell you, I do not understand the world these days. In my day, women knew their place. Men knew their place. And we all stayed very happily in our places. Now everybody's gone crackbrained and doesn't seem to know where they belong. I saw this ad in an old (circa 1950) Saturday Evening Post the other day. It was under my bed along with a whole bunch of war pictures and a couple boxes of Efferdent. It made me a little misty-eyed for the sane world in which I used to live. Sniff.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Forget Beiber Fever. I have the Black Plague!!!

I'm so clever. Did you see how I did that? Clever, huh? O.M.G. I just woke up from my hourly 15 minute nap, and I am so excited to get back to surfing. Have you seen the new sensation from Rebecca Black, "Friday"? If you have a minute (and we all know you do) check it out:



I mean, I'm not saying I really like the girl. I'm mean, she's like, what? 13? 14? How would I know, sheesh? That would be like, creepy for a 44 year old man, right? And I know "adults" seem to think it's a stupid song. But come on, people. You have to admit it's a good beat. It just is. Don't be such a stooge, people. It's a peppy song. And so what if she's only like, what, 12? 14? There's nothing wrong with appreciating true talent that just happens to come from an attractive kid. Er, person. I'm not going to apologize for this, so don't ask me to.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Rear View Mirrors

One of my favorite after-lunch activities is to corner Loose Cannon. He likes to throw out wild ideas while his eyes bulge and his veins pop out of his neck. He needs a fair amount of space to be able to comfortably do this. So when I corner him in his back-wall facing deskspace, he has to downscale the whole circus act, and it makes him visibly uncomfortable to be forced to do so. I've enjoyed inflicting this form of office torment for quite some time. Loose Cannon generally enjoys a great deal of personal space from the other employees, but getting into space--even a Loose Cannon's space--is my forte.
Imagine my dismay when I walked into his office after a particularly corpulent lunch looking for entertainment, and discovered that he KNEW I was coming. He promptly wheeled his chair around and stood up before I could corner him. What the hell, right?! I looked over his shoulder and discovered that he'd literally installed a rear-view mirror on his computer screen. With green duct tape. So now he knows when I, or anyone else, has entered the room to silently hover over his carefully crafted new facebook status, and can respond quickly enough to avoid being cornered.
So beware, minions of Corporate Kingdom. Loose Cannon can no longer be contained in his corner. He's free to shoot off anywhere, anytime. I'm going to see if I can find a doughnut.