Funny Office Safety Training Retro Video! Hilarious!! 'You and Office Sa...

Sniff.

I'm tired. For a couple years, I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out it ain't that. I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country (the USA) is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.

This leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

Boy Oh Boy . . . And you're sitting there reading this. No wonder I'm tired, I'm the only one working.

If he really wanted the job, he'd have signed it "Pisces".

Real McDonalds job application

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Great Lines from Job Evaluations

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.
2. This associate is not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.
3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whatever foot was previously there.
5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
7. He set low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
9. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
11. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard was not looking.
12. A room temperature IQ.
13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.
14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
16. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
17. Bright as Alaska in December.
18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
20. Fell out of the family tree.
21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other one is out looking for it.
23. He's so dense, light bends around him.
24. If brains were taxed, she would get a refund.
25. If he were anymore stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you will get change.
27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
28. It is hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
29. On neuron short of a synapse.
30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

[Author(s) unknown, from Twisted Straw]

Watch this. Now.

Iphone v. HTC Evo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FL7yD-0pqZg

Workaholics--Watch it!

Check out this Comedy Central series called Workaholics--three office slackers, a slavedriver, and a letch. We're already HUGE fans!!

http://www.comedycentral.com/shows/workaholics/index.jhtml

Dear Brown Noser

In case you were wondering, this is a beautifully written treatise on why we all hate you.

http://mybroadband.co.za/vb/showthread.php/75234-All-HAIL-THE-OFFICE-BROWN-NOSER!!!!

DAMN YOU AUTOCORRECT!!

http://www.damnyouautocorrect.com

Resumes That May Actually Be Better Than Mine

Check it out!

http://www.someecards.com/2011/04/18/completely-insane-resume-that-may-actually-be-better-than-yours

Idiots Dancing

Pssst....this is what happen when too many Slackers are left unsupervised:

Love, The Gosseptionist

The Space Invader's Guide to Fast Food

First, stand really close to the person in line ahead of you. Guys, particularly, dig that.
If there are two lines going, stand between both of them. That way you can claim whatever spot opens first. Most people are too polite to go around you.
Don't look at the menu board until you get to the service counter. Ask if they have any specials.
Ask about the ingredients of each item.
Take some time to mull over your options.
Call Mom and ask what she thinks.
Change your order 2-3 times.
ALWAYS request unsalted fries. Everyone knows that forces them to make them fresh just for you.
When you get to the self-serve drink station, be sure to make your own special mix that includes, Dr. Pepper, Sprite, Orange Soda, Minute Maid Lemonade and Diet Coke. Taste test. Dump out the drink and start over until you get it right.
Touch every plastic fork and spoon in the tray and then take 3 of each.
Grab a 1-inch wad of napkins and 12 ketchup packets.
Take the large booth instead of the small one so you have good elbow room. That family of four can spread out between the two small tables.
Call your doctor to discuss your Ulcerative Colitis in detail. Most people love that.
When you leave, don't clean up your table. After all, you paid to be here … and so did everyone else.

A timely message from The Slacker

Erupter's on the Rampage Again

Erupter posted a rather violent warning outside his office today. Steer clear, people of the office. As the Space Invader, it's going to be exceptionally difficult to follow my own advice. But I think we all ought to try and avoid injury, as the Bean Counter might have a coronary if the company has to pay for somebody's medical bills.

I Specialize in Giving Stuff Up For Free (By the Office Bimbo)

FREE Corporate Kingdom collectors Trading Cards, everyone!! Wheee! Yaaaaa!! Woohooo!! (giggle giggle. Jiggle jiggle. Squeal!) Heehee! Shake it like a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader, girls! Flaunt what you got! Free free free!

PS you must login to facebook with a valid account to take advantage of this limited time offer.

xoxo

--The Office Bimbo

http://apps.facebook.com/webpromotions/corporatekingdom

Smooth Operator (brought to you by The Letch)

Hell-oooo ladies! (And dudes, should there happen to be any around). Has anyone seen my lush leatherbound Franklin Covey dayplanner laying around? It has all my babes phone numbers in it. Oh you haven't seen it? Well if you see it, drop by my office and let me know, tootsie. By the way, I just ran across an amazing voice mail. This dude is like, my hero. That amount of confidence, that streak of pure manliness, the insanely-driven control games--MAN! I've got to work on my game to get to this level of sensual genius.

http://www.digyourowngrave.com/dimitri-the-lovers-answering-machine-message/

Back in My Day...A memo from Mr. Obsolete

Well I'll be damned. They've got and hired another FE-male to work in this office place. I tell you, I do not understand the world these days. In my day, women knew their place. Men knew their place. And we all stayed very happily in our places. Now everybody's gone crackbrained and doesn't seem to know where they belong. I saw this ad in an old (circa 1950) Saturday Evening Post the other day. It was under my bed along with a whole bunch of war pictures and a couple boxes of Efferdent. It made me a little misty-eyed for the sane world in which I used to live. Sniff.

Forget Beiber Fever. I have the Black Plague!!!

I'm so clever. Did you see how I did that? Clever, huh? O.M.G. I just woke up from my hourly 15 minute nap, and I am so excited to get back to surfing. Have you seen the new sensation from Rebecca Black, "Friday"? If you have a minute (and we all know you do) check it out:

I mean, I'm not saying I really like the girl. I'm mean, she's like, what? 13? 14? How would I know, sheesh? That would be like, creepy for a 44 year old man, right? And I know "adults" seem to think it's a stupid song. But come on, people. You have to admit it's a good beat. It just is. Don't be such a stooge, people. It's a peppy song. And so what if she's only like, what, 12? 14? There's nothing wrong with appreciating true talent that just happens to come from an attractive kid. Er, person. I'm not going to apologize for this, so don't ask me to.

Rear View Mirrors

One of my favorite after-lunch activities is to corner Loose Cannon. He likes to throw out wild ideas while his eyes bulge and his veins pop out of his neck. He needs a fair amount of space to be able to comfortably do this. So when I corner him in his back-wall facing deskspace, he has to downscale the whole circus act, and it makes him visibly uncomfortable to be forced to do so. I've enjoyed inflicting this form of office torment for quite some time. Loose Cannon generally enjoys a great deal of personal space from the other employees, but getting into space--even a Loose Cannon's space--is my forte.

Imagine my dismay when I walked into his office after a particularly corpulent lunch looking for entertainment, and discovered that he KNEW I was coming. He promptly wheeled his chair around and stood up before I could corner him. What the hell, right?! I looked over his shoulder and discovered that he'd literally installed a rear-view mirror on his computer screen. With green duct tape. So now he knows when I, or anyone else, has entered the room to silently hover over his carefully crafted new facebook status, and can respond quickly enough to avoid being cornered.

So beware, minions of Corporate Kingdom. Loose Cannon can no longer be contained in his corner. He's free to shoot off anywhere, anytime. I'm going to see if I can find a doughnut.